Amnesia

This Monday has been rocked by some major amnesia. Not the familiar type of amnesia that affects the human memory. Nope. The kind I've been hit with today is of my soul: spiritual amnesia.  Temporarily forgetting what the Lord has done in my life and the way He has proven Himself time and time again over the past year. Anxiety and worry showed up bright and early today, ready to throw an ugly party in my thought life.

Recently, I've noticed that many of my severe bouts of spiritual memory loss seem to be triggered by financial hardships more than anything else. And that was the case again this morning. It all began with an early trip to a physical therapy appointment followed by another visit to the orthopaedics clinic. The past 4 weeks I've seen these guys often as I seek treatment for a chronic overuse injury in both of my knees. Even though I've been able to experience some mild relief from the pain that I've dealt with for 8 months, I was advised this morning that surgery would more than likely be recommended if I don't improve significantly in the next 4 weeks. As much as I long to have relief from this awful pain, these are the only things I could see dancing around before my eyes when I heard those words:

A Letter From a Friend

Six years ago this past January, through the heartbreaking experience of a miscarriage, I met some incredible "virtual" friends who I have grown to love and communicate with often. (Feel free to read more about that journey HERE.) A few days ago I received a message from one of those sweet ladies via Facebook, explaining some recent struggles that she has been experiencing in her marriage and life. Because I have been approached multiple times by women who are wrestling through similar issues, I decided to post (anonymously, of course) her letter to me and my response.  My prayer is that God will encourage at least one woman who may breeze over this post and give her hope.  As my awesome pastor says, "Our marriages don't need to be perfect... They just need the hope of change."

One year and a NEW heart later...

This particular week of my life has been jaw-droppingly significant. So monumental and important, that I’ve had to dust off my laptop and get my fingers typing and sharing on this blog again. Not only do I want to record it for memory's sake, but I believe there are others out there who may in the future identify with me (but probably do not realize it yet).

Actually, this particular post is a continuation-- well, maybe even a back-tracking of sorts-- from the previous entry before this one. There were a few statements in that testimony that I now believe need to be adjusted. Go back with me there for a moment as I quote a few sentences:

My Story: New Marriage, Same Spouse

Psalm 50:15 says, "And call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me." I wrote the following post for The Bridge Church's blog this week in hopes of doing just that... glorifying HIM. Because of that reason, I decided to share it here on my personal blog, as well.

"My Story: New Marriage, Same Spouse"

As many of you know, Josh began a new sermon series this past Sunday entitled, Real Marriage, based on the newly released book by Seattle pastor, Mark Driscoll, and his wife, Grace. To say that the first message of this series was already powerful and convicting would be an understatement. Yes, it certainly was both of those things... but, another word I would personally choose to describe it would be “glorious.” Hearing Pastor Josh proclaim the statement from Genesis 3, “Because of the power of Jesus, the Risen One, there is hope for anyone to have a new marriage with the same spouse” set off deep rejoicing in my soul. It was all I could do to sit silently in my chair and not jump up and shout, “YES! YES, There IS hope!” The reason why I desired in that moment to so boldly and openly claim this is because I recently lived the transformation of which our Pastor spoke. And by the end of that worship gathering, I knew without a doubt that God was compelling me to somehow share my own story with the rest of the church body.

You see, one year ago this very month, my marriage was rapidly destructing. On February 1, 2011, my husband, Alec, and I were separated, honestly not knowing whether or not we would ever be together again as husband and wife. The reasons of our separation were many and had unfortunately began accumulating from the day we spoke our vows. Anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness had taken residence in my heart early on and were slowly corrupting my relationship with my husband. On the inside, I felt I had it all together and had mistakenly chosen to marry someone who didn’t. On the outside, however, I had become a self-righteous, nagging wife who consistently pointed her finger at all of her husband’s issues, while avoiding honesty about her own.

I spent the first month of our separation in a fog of numbness, both emotionally and spiritually, just trying to daily survive my new role as a single mother. The reality and seriousness of my situation had not truly set in at that point. I was still headstrong and in waiting for Alec to learn HIS lesson and change for me and our children. My conversations with others would sound something like this: “Look at what he is doing to me and our family! How can he continually hurt us in this way? I am an innocent victim of his terrible choices and there is no other answer but to leave him. He hasn’t changed in 5 years, so there’s no hope of him changing any time soon.” Little did I know that God was about to soon send a giant wrecking ball through the fortified city of sin I had been constructing in my own heart.

Throughout the following months, God did a major, unexpected work in my life... A work so significant that I’ll always remember it as the most altering season in my life next to my salvation. God began showing me that for as long as I had been pointing fingers at my husband’s addiction and sin, I unknowingly had addiction and sin of my own. Sure, it looked very different, yet it was real and it was surely destructive. God opened wide my eyes to see how much I idolized other people’s opinions and approval of myself. This was more complex than a simple struggle with peer pressure or wanting to fit in. This was a true emotional addiction to what people thought of me. Not stopping there, God then convicted me of the ways I had even cruelly used the issues and broken circumstances in my marriage to receive attention, affirmation, and approval from others around me. In a nutshell, God bluntly but gently showed me, “The problem is YOU.” For the first time in a very long time, I truly saw and faced the condition of my own heart.

Plain and simple, the ruler of my life was me. My spiritual walk had become grossly disordered from my efforts to pridefully manage and cope with my own sin, yet blaming and exposing my husband’s sin at every given opportunity. The choicest affections of my heart were soaked in my flesh and not in my Heavenly Father. I learned that He longs for me to find my security, identity, approval, and emotional gratification from Him, knowing His resources will never run dry. My time in the Word gradually changed from trying to search out Biblical grounds for divorce to learning about the fear of the Lord and His opinion of me. Once my true self was fully broken, exposed, and laid on the altar before the Lord, I was in a position for Him to then supernaturally and wholly heal my marriage.

The main instrument that was key to getting me to this new place spiritually I believe was prayer. Yes, Alec and I weekly sought guidance and wisdom from a Godly marriage counselor who walked with us through much turmoil. But the prayers of His children kept us going and holding on. I prayed as much as I could. Some prayers at times were barely made up of much more than “God, please help...” And then when I couldn’t muster up even the simplest words, others were praying. My friends prayed. My House Group prayed. Our church leadership prayed. Many, many people kept on praying. I’m certain God even heard the simplest prayers from my 4 year old whose chosen words for a blessing before meal time were, “God, please help my Mommy and Daddy to become best friends...” God’s people prayed and He moved mightily.

Now a full year later, my relationship with Alec is stronger than it has ever been. The level of intimacy we have now is new, fresh, and real. I am able to daily view my husband as a gift and not as an enemy. When problems and conflicts develop, I begin with repentance of my own sin instead of shifting blame to his. Even though this current year has my family walking through a season of intense financial adversity, I can confidently and joyfully say that we’re now able to truly love, support, and encourage each other through each difficult day, instead of turning on each other. And most importantly, because I am learning to relate to Alec with genuine humility and respect, my relationship with my Heavenly Bridegroom is much more tangible and satisfying. Because of His dynamic and deep work in my heart, I truly do have a new marriage with the same spouse.

Thank You, Almighty Father, for giving us REAL hope in our marriages. I pray that there would be at least one husband or wife reading today, whose heart is crying out for a new marriage, who will openly hear and receive Your comfort in these words that You’ve led me to share. Help my brothers and sisters in Christ know that you CAN and DO make beautiful things out of the filthiest dust. To You be every single bit of the glory!

I Hereby Resolve...

Ahhh, January 1st. That magical day that begins another year with the best of intentions. At least, that's usually how it begins for me. When I was younger, I used to make New Year's resolutions more for fun but can never remember a year where I actually followed any of them through to completion. Because of that, I haven't really given resolutions much of a thought for several years now.

But this year I decided to do things differently. I made a small list of a few activities, goals, aspirations--if you will--that I felt were reasonable, achievable, and measurable. And to take them a step further, I'm throwing them out there to be viewed by others for some accountability of sorts. Here are the 7 "objectives" that I landed on for this new year ahead:

• Go on a weekend camping trip as a family.

• Lose 10 pounds.

• Read the biography of Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson.

• Run 250 miles.

• Post 25 blog entries.

• See how long our family can go without eating any fast food. <-- This one should be very interesting!

• Finally get our children's digital photos printed and put in albums from 2008 through 2011.

Looks like I've got some work to do. Bring on 2012!


Happy New Year!